I took a few days' break here. Went back home to drop off the grandbaby and decided to stay over an extra day, just to try to get some perspective. I didn't get any, but I took a lot of naps! Ha! I'm still having a hard time of letting go of old things that don't serve me; mostly old ideas. Someone recently asked me how my business was doing and was it worth it to have spent all the time, money, and heartache (they didn't use those exact words) to learn what I've learned, and if it has served me well. Emotionally, mentally, and creatively, my business has served me very well; financially, not so well, but that's because I haven't ever actually gone for it. When the big breaks come, and they do (and have), I hesitate. I doubt myself, and then the opportunity rolls on past. I know what is is. It's that rebellion thing I've fought with my whole life. If I commit to a business situation, then I'm conforming, I'm being controlled by outside forces (business partners, customers, my bills) and it's always been my knee-jerk reaction to fight back, to find a space I can occupy without those entanglements, to the detriment of my well being, both mental and physical. Why do I do that? It goes all the way back to the dark ages when I was a kid. My step father was a very controlling person. Extremely controlling. Every movement, every spoken thought, right down to how I sat upon the sofa at TV time, or how I ate soup, and a thousand other things, was scrutinized, judged, and punished. I distinctly remember fearing walking past his recliner at night during TV time to use the restroom because nine times out of a dozen, he'd swing out his foot and kick me square in the ass, punishment for spending that split second to dart past him by blocking his view from whatever chest thumping, manly program he was watching. Can you imagine? Well, so, when the time came (puberty), I began to rebel, and rebel in a big way. Now it seems it's just a habit. One I must curb, cut down, and eliminate from my life or I will never achieve the goals I've set for myself.
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| Cayucos, CA pier, March 30, 2014 |
I made a batch of soap that I've been beating myself up over. I was trying to be brilliant and creative, making a soap I'd made years ago that was just fabulous, but I made the mistake of putting this soap into those fancy pants molds and now the soap won't come out. Like I've mentioned before, I don't use molds, so I don't know mold protocol. Apparently I have to wait out the soap so it dries and firms up a bit, then freeze it (again) and force the bars out of the molds. Waiting. I hate waiting. This batch of soap has put a small ding in my confidence, which is probably why I'm feeling so low and talking about my crappy childhood. I had so wanted to present these heavily scented, beautifully molded soaps to my customers and now I have to wait. Argh!
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| Cayucos cemetery angel |
I don't know if it's true for all perfumers, but for me, it seems I am never fully 100% happy with my final creations. I always feel there's something else that could be done, a new element that could be introduced to make the perfume really shine. I've found in the past when I go too far, I muddy the waters and have to begin all over, so I try hard not to do too much lest I eff up the formulation, but there's that niggling little voice in the back of my head going, "Well, what if you add a bit of this? Or a pinch of that? Or put a Band-Aid on it?" (Band-Aid = vanilla, because everything's better with vanilla on it). Some of my earlier work, formulations made back in 2005 and 2006, are really knock your socks off gorgeous now, but I don't have the patience to wait five or six years to feel a perfume is finished, and with the exception of a bottle here and there, those perfumes are sold off. So it goes with this newest formulation, the collaboration effort with my dear friend Bella, the cumin-y sweet, dry, rustling leafy, floral we conjured up. I know by 2016 it'll be just fabulous. Ha!
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| Cayucos cemetery angel and a circle around the sun |
The goals are: rebel against rebellion, and be more patient with my creations.
Just saw this on my FB feed ~ "Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it!" Salvador Dali. How appropriate.
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