My Groove Has Fallen and It Can't Get Up
I've lost my groove. Last week, I fell ill again (after late July through nearly all of August's grueling 'rona infection), this time with a gastrointestinal bug. It felt so much like the symptoms from August that I had a breakdown. I was in the middle of working on Rollo, the new black cat perfume when I was struck down, and I was so panicked and angry that I did one of those sweeping everything off the table things, only entirely in my head. I was already way behind schedule getting the autumn goods in the shop, and then the bug came and I fell apart, and then I ruined Rollo. There will be no black cat this year. The little coffin/coffrett idea went to hell when I realized that the boxes I bought were made of wood that was cheap and pliable and wouldn't hold up to my standards, so they're being repurposed into kindling. I really need to keep my big mouth shut and stop making announcements about what I'm "going" to do because it's a surefire way to make certain it doesn't happen. It's like I resist my own directives, or the Universe says, "Oh, yeah? You're gonna do what?"
I did manage to get one soap batch made for Halloween, and I found a little spark of joy in that work, but not enough to make another. I just don't care to make anything. I want to write and research (yes, I'm a glutton for punishment) and learn and share. All these feelings of having to put goods in the shop and deadlines to do so -- it's too much like work. I'm thrown back into my former incarnation as an investigator/records researcher. The only satisfaction there was getting it over with and the relief that, for the moment, it was done.
Perhaps all of this stems from the aftereffects of the coronavirus. Or maybe it was the private note from a customer who said, and I'm paraphrasing, "Your perfumes are okay, but your incense-making skills are where you shine". That hurt. Perhaps by the new year, or even next week, I will have picked up my groove and continue on until whenever it becomes lost again. Or maybe this is it.
Ouch, jeez. ... People can be so casually and backhandedly mean, lol. Especially to artists. Like "oh, you aren't some some corporate-streamlined, hyper-optimized production facility?" ... "Meh...."
ReplyDeleteLike, "nooo...? I'm actually effing not? Because I am a person, who is an artist-- with a life-- artfully effing navigating an entire society of economic bullsh*t...??" "Meh yourself."
lol
I love telling art trolls to "get an actual life lol" :3 It makes me super happy. They never respond.
To be fair, though, we are in a populace that has been consumer-engineered to have certain expectations and double standards about the products they feel entitled to. Ehhh lol. Its the Compassion 4 Humanity thing again... and pardon me while I heave a massive sigh of both exasperation and relief, because its not worth going to war over, and the factory-farmed humans aren't the ones actually at fault. Even if they are entitled assholes lol.
And anyway, "coercion is the least efficient means of obtaining order." (Ursula K. Le Guin)
....:
As the global industrial production economy groans under the weight of its own non-diversity and hyper-bureaucratization (with some jolly little degree of collapse not unlikely), one thing we can really look forward to-- as mutualistic, creative communities-- is that people will be given lots of opportunities to appreciate the individual effort and soul that goes into making literally everything.
Soapbox aside-- your perfumes are wonderful, delightful. Each one I have experienced really conveys a vibe, and has that je ne sais quoi sparkle/ presence/ attitude that can't be faked. Been really enjoying the little sample of Sunflower that came with my order. Puts me in the garden... with a rustic groundedness and simple joy that is also very eau-de-chic. Has a feeling, that. :) All of them do. Really serves as an example of excellence for me as I stubbornly muddle through my own self-teaching. <3
....
I don't think the urge to create is something that can be obligationized... & the urge to occupy a role as curator/ investigator/ archivist/ educator is something really sacred and ancient and important. Traditions of knowledge need to be maintained to stay alive; people who actually understand something, exist in it, and care to communicate it are super fundamental to any kind of functional society.
All the best, :) :) <3 <3
Dav
Oh and P.S.-- there is some evidence now that having covid can influence the way your immune system reacts to any pathogen, making it feel doomier and more 'rona-y than it may actually be... lol dont quote me and my lack of extensive scientific method on this but it seems to maybe a thing.
Eh, it was meant with good intentions, I'm sure, but it still hit me wrong. I think if someone doesn't enjoy the work/art that you put out there, they dismiss it -- I'm guilty of this too. Also, another part of this equation that I didn't address in the original post is the difficulty just getting these things into production in the first place, those hidden costs and hoops -- insurance, licensures, fees, rising costs of raw materials -- that are just as deflating as someone not being pleased with a purchase or with your work in general. I feel like I'm whining :) Thanks for the support, Dav. Until next time :)
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