Friday, November 26, 2010

Dear Santa

It's been years --decades!-- since I wrote a Dear Santa letter, and I felt it was high time to do one again. It's only been a few years since my youngest children penned a DS letter, something which we encouraged all our children to do. Of course they knew there wasn't a Santa Claus, but the exercise reminded them that it was time to sort out their priorities and make sure that they expressed as clearly as possible what they wanted for Christmas. They were given exactly one week to "edit" their letters before we ceremoniously dumped them into the counter at the post office. I remember laughing hysterically after reading some of these letters~ "Dear Santa, please bring me a pair of snake fur boots . . .", and "Dear Santa, I would like a sword, not a real sword, but a fake sword, made with real metal that can cut and everything. The plastic one you gave me last year broke when I whacked my brother on the back with it. I promise not to hurt anyone with it because I know it is dangerous and not really a toy, and my mom and Papa would ground me until I was dead if I mess with it. I just want to hang it on my wall to scare my brothers."

Here is my letter to Santa:

"Dear Santa,

Please bring me peace, and a bottle of L'Artisan's Tea for Two, the big bottle as I have a few friends I wish to share it with and it will "go" very fast. So, big bottle. Also, if you can manage, please bring me clarity, and a tin of China Jasmin Organic from Upton Tea (as you can see, they are sold out at the moment, but I'm sure you can use your elf magic to make this work, thanks). I would also like a Two Ounce (165 ml) Tabletop Tamisium n-Butane Extractor, so I can finally chuck the PVC pipe and Pyrex dish in the garbage. I know it's pricey, but I'd be more than happy to send you a bit of whatever I extract as payback. I think Mrs. Claus might like that. Think about the wife, man. Happy wife, happy life, yeah? See? We both win on this deal. Please, if it's not too much trouble, bring me a big box of patience as my old box is nigh empty, and toss in a burlap sack of some Omani luban. The last little bit of luban tears I have are in a tin, the same one I hide my "mad money" ~ everywhere I go, when I spend my mad money, the clerks tell me, "Your money smells so nice!" Yes, and it's a blessing, too, so throw it on the ground and roll all over it. The tin is nearly empty -- of tears and money. I digress, Santa, I apologize. Luban. From Oman. Just the resin, I'll take over after that, no need for distillation on your end. And also, I would like some happiness to share with my friends and family. Yes, that would be nice. A vat of happiness, and one of these. Marcia told me about this and I'm so excited. I want to make some really fabulous smelly things. If you can't find one, this will suffice, at least for making some nice hydrosols so Tonie will stop reminding me of my potato water patchouli hydrosol (ugh!). Again, Mrs. Claus is welcome to whatever comes from the receiver. I think that's it for now, Santa. Remember, I have a week to edit, so don't rush yet.



photos: L'Artisan's Tea for Two; Norman Rockwell's Santa


  1. Dear "J" , I really am very sorry but I have just packed all the things on your list for a Mrs Angie Cox in the U.K . Ruddie is searching hard to find the parcel and re-direct it whilst we investigate how she got your list .I think you might need to talk to The Justice Department . I will try to make ends meet by sending you some Silver frankincense one of my elves "borrowed" from The Vatican. Santa with many apologies.



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